My Strength and My Defense

Have you ever felt so defeated and drained that you have worked your own way to discouragement? Since my mom passed, this tends to happen to me every year around the holidays. I try to do so much, for myself and others, that I end up tired, worn out, and drained, all while still trying to be authentic and allowing myself to feel various emotions as they arise, adding even more weight to the exhaustion. It seems as though the holiday season of this year has just begun and I am already experiencing it. It is a difficult thing to explain to others and is often met with small encouragements to slow down or to simply do less. If you are anything like me, that is not the goal or the desire and all you are seeking is a listening ear and a nod of understanding, but the truth is that, no matter what grief urges you to do, whether it is to do more or travel more or sing more or _________ (fill in the blank), we may not always find understanding from others on earth because we all grieve differently.

Recently my church had the opportunity to help decorate for Christmas. This is a fun way to be involved and I have been helping with this task for the past several years. This year it was my every intention to continue in the tradition of helping. I asked other friends to join in if they wanted, but had committed myself weeks in advance with no cares as to who else was coming because I was not doing this for my friends; I was doing it for my church and myself. Well, fast forward to decorating day (last week). I had a hard day at work and personally. I was struggling mentally with what was going on and called a friend after work on the drive to the church just to try to talk through some of the craziness going on internally. (Side note: Beyond thankful for the community of friends that I have that I can call and know they will listen. If you do not have this, I highly recognize you seek this out. Put in the effort and put yourself out there to get close with others as much as you have the energy for. We are not meant to grieve, but especially not alone. Now, back to the Christmas decorating story…) I arrived in the church parking lot and sat on the phone. I watched people walk in and out and I continued sitting. I had no desire to walk in the building. That thought of going in seemed so daunting and tiring. Explaining that to my friend on the phone, she encouraged me to go home. She listened to me try to talk myself into going in for 45 minutes. She reminded me that they did not need me and that I should listen to my feelings and that it is okay to rest. Sometimes that is not the reminder I want, but it is also sometimes the reminder I need. That day, it was just what I needed. I know that rest is the polar opposite of the doing more that I find myself in this time of year and I know that rest is not always an option or the most beneficial thing, but it was in that moment. Although I had the fear of letting others down, and a slight fear of being judged by others that knew I was going to help and then find out that I did not, I had to choose rest in that moment because grief had taken its toll mentally and I needed a break for a couple of hours that day. Small spoiler: no one cared that I could not help. I did not let anyone down by being genuine in processing my emotions. All that fear and doubt of disappointing others was for nothing. If you are experiencing similar doubts and fears, I am here to encourage you that it will be okay. Make the choice you feel you need and the rest will work out. If nothing else, it may lead to a good conversation with someone else about how grief can feel heavier this time of year.

I say all of that in hopes that you will find encouragement in the following verses. I stumbled across these completely accidentally, but immediately saw the declaration these verses proclaim as something that we can cling to in our hardships. Here they are:

“The Lord is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father's God, and I will exalt him.” - Exodus 15:2-3

Let us find joy this morning in letting the Lord become our salvation. In our grief, we most certainly need saving. In our tiredness, we need saving. In our self defeat, we need saving. Let our joy this week come from he fact that He is our personal God and that we get to exalt Him in the midst of our grief. We do not need to defend ourselves because He is our defense. We can rest and be protected. As we seek to praise Him in our grief, let us encourage others to do the same with us and let us be understanding of others we encounter, being gentle with them as we hope to be dealt gently with. Even in the hard, there is much to find joy in and that much is Christ.