Faithless and faithful
As we enter into the first full week of February, we enter into a month that can bring a lot of pain to those grieving. A month centered around love and a lot of people do not have the person they love the most here to share it with. In a lot of instances, those grieving this month have lost someone into eternity and hopefully have the assurance of seeing them again and must endure this earthly pain in the waiting, but this week I was reminded of another kind of grief that can cause pain: the grief of losing someone who is still living on earth. Maybe separated by distance or solely by relationship status change, this kind of loss is still painful and definitely still brings grief and mourning; the mourning of the plans made together, the experiences had and not yet had, and the desires for a future that come with any kind of relationship being built, whether friendly or romantic.
So, as I sat many times this week reflecting on how grief impacts so many of us in a variety of ways, but all of us at once, I began to reflect on ways I have personally seen God's faithfulness and provision since the loss of my mom. Then I was also urged to think on God's faithfulness when I have experienced the kind of loss described above; the kind of loss that leaves you with doubts, fears, and the confusion of the emotions that come with grief over someone who is still very much alive. Both types of grief are isolating and draining, but through all grief, God provides for our needs; our vastly different, yet extremely similar in nature needs.
I have 2 personal examples of God showing up for my needs in my grief, one in the loss of my mom and the other in the loss of a relationship. The first example that always comes to mind when I think about losing my mom is how God provided for me financially in ways that were clearly from Him. Immediately after losing my mom, I went through a lot of circumstantial changes and ended up needing a specific amount of money that I did not have and did not know how to get. Then, one day, as I got home from making it through another work day that was a blur caused by the grief I was freshly stepping into, I opened the mailbox to an unexpected check that was a gift from the school I was working for. I remember the relief that came as I knew this was clearly from God in His perfect timing. It felt as if it were a gentle embrace from Him reminding me He is in control and He does care.
The second example that comes to mind happened a couple of years before losing my mom and was when I was experiencing the loss of someone I thought I would spend forever with. Like the death of someone, this relationship ended suddenly and without clarity, not knowing the last time I saw that person was truly the last time (and, of course, the looming question of if it truly was/is). The grief hit fast and hard and felt much more dramatic because it seems silly to be torn apart over someone who is still living. After weeks of this agonizing, isolating, sickening grief, God used my mom to have some hard and honest conversations with me. God used my mom to be my earthly representation of Himself. Through her, I was shown His grace, comfort, understanding, and provision. She cared for me on days I could not care for myself. She held me when I cried. She listened to me repeat myself and my many emotions that would continue spilling out. She reaffirmed me as a beautiful creation of Christ and held me accountable to knowing my worth in Him (something that seems easy on the outside, but is such an inner struggle).
Unlike when I received the check in the mail after losing my mom and seeing God's provision instantly and tangibly in that moment, the earlier loss, the loss of the relationship and the future life planned, took me much longer to recognize as Him. I did not see God's provision in using my mom until years later. Truly, I do not know that I had that full realization until after losing her, but I am forever grateful and amazed at His continued faithfulness, even when I do not take notice of it.
I say all of this to get to the underlying truth that we can constantly rely on. This truth is found in 2 Timothy 2:13. "If we are faithless, He remains faithful." Grief can cause us to reach a point of fatigue, not just physically, but both mentally and spiritually. At times, in the depths of despair, we can even get to the point of being faithless. This verse serves as more than a sweet reminder, but as an assured promise that God never changes and never fails. Unlike us swaying in our faith when times are difficult to endure, He, who has endured far worse for us, never leaves. He remains faithful. He is there to hold us, even when we do not know He is the one holding us. He is there to catch our tears, even if He uses someone else to physically do it. He is there to remind us of our worth in Him, even when we have a hard time seeing and believing it. He is there to provide for us in all circumstances, in ways beyond what we could ask or imagine, be it monetarily or not, because He knows what we need and He cares and chooses to be faithful, even when we can not or choose not to be.
Let that be our joy and our encouragement for the week: there is nothing we can say or do that will make God be any less faithful. So grieve, get honest with Him, be real with others, and rest in knowing that you do not have to have it all together, there is not a timeline for grief, your grief does not have to make sense to others, and you are fearfully and wonderfully made by the creator God who promises to be faithful no matter what.
