Healing Honesty
This last week was one that brought up a lot of emotions for me for weeks leading up to it. As is the case with most holidays, I anticipate what will be and hurt remembering what was as I long for the same feelings of fulfillment that I had when I used to celebrate and be celebrated by my mom. This last week was my birthday and, although this was not my first birthday without my mom, for some reason, the weeks leading up to it felt harder than ever. Truthfully, my mom was a giver and wonderful at making me feel loved and seen. I was 24 when she passed and she had already told me of the plans that she had made for my 25th birthday (which was 8 months after she passed); plans that never came to fruition and that no one knew of except the two of us.
In the past, friends have done a good job of making me feel celebrated and cared for, but that did not take away the sting of missing my mom and how special she would make me feel. This year, about a week and a half before my birthday, I was driving home from the gym and broke down crying. This does not happen to me often since my mom passed, so when it does, I let myself feel everything, think through everything, and ultimately try to appreciate the feelings for whatever they are coming from (typically tears mean you loved someone enough to be hurt by their absence, even if not in death, and that deep of a love is a beautiful thing). So, I get home from my crying session and realized I had a lot going on that I was pressing beneath the surface. I had a lot of home stress, work tasks, and a family member many states away in the hospital on a ventilator, which was really weighing on me. While friends and roommates are great, I missed my mom and really just wanted a long hug from her and to be able to tell her all my thoughts and worries and hear her perspective as my friend, mentor, and mother (because they do always know best!). Understanding that was no longer possible, I thought of who, other than my friends, could be a great comfort to me and I realized I wanted to be around my mom’s side of the family.
All it took was one quick text to my cousin and I had a weekend getaway planned to visit family the weekend before my birthday. My family was so willing to have me, let me rest, cook me good food, listen to me talk, play games with me, and even throw me a sweet party with my favorite ice cream for dessert! As I sat and reflected on how the Lord gave me the comfort and rest I was needing, I could not help but recognize that this would not have been possible if I had not been honest with myself and reached out for help. I could have not let myself feel the feelings I was experiencing on that car ride home. Or I could have not texted my cousin out of fear of being a burden. Or I could have talked negatively to myself and convinced myself (quite easily) that this was no one’s problem but my own and that I needed to get over it. None of those options would have helped me and none of those options would have given me the opportunities to get what I needed. My family would not have invited me for the weekend and let me rest as needed because they did not know the need was there. That would have been no one’s fault but mine.
I have been considering how my family was able to show me Christlike love, but only because I expressed a need. Reflecting on this, I am also reminded that Jesus tells us to bring our needs to Him. We can have confidence that we will find healing in our honesty with Him because He cares for us and supplies all our needs always. In Matthew 7, Jesus is preaching the Sermon on the Mount and tells of how generous God is. All we have to do is be honest.
Matthew 7:7-11:
“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!”
